Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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