my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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