I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
