my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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