Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
