She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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