Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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