dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
