broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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