oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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