I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
