I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
