cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
