Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
