thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
