you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
