I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
