Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
