If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
