I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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