My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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