we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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