my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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