If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
