Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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