my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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