Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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