you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
