Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
