My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
