next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
