I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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