dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
