So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
