is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Randomize
