Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
