I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I skipped work to stalk him.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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