This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Randomize
