He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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