Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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