I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
