Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
