I'm so fucking centered right now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
