i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
