you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
someone owes me an orgasm
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
