Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
