My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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