A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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