Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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