i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
