"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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